HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
