Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
