I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
