I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
