I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
