Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
