im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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