So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
