just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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