So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
