What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
