I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
