And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Randomize
