i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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