Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
