didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
