really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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