seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
