I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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