Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
