I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
