Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
