you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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