So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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