Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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