I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you made out with another girl for some wings
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
