Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Found your dick twin last night
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
