apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
