i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize