can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
