I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
