people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
