PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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