I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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