so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
