What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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