she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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