Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
