Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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