the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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