I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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