Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
