Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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