I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
