I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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