I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
