Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize