Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
there is puke in my bra ... again
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
