I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
