dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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