How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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