What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize