I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I will pee on everything he values.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize