So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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