thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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