You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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