I didn't shave. On purpose
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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