evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
last night I used snow as a chaser
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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