The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Is Oprah even human
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
