i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
